It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for this series. I deleted a lot of the older posts. Without context, they didn’t hold up.

This has to have a purpose. It should add something to the conversation.

I don’t want to sit still. I’m not choosing to.

The end of the semester always feels strange. Everything just stops. Even when you know it’s coming, that drop back into the real world doesn’t get easier.

There’s no urgency to my summer plans. None. You’d think I’d be applying for supermarket jobs, bars, anything. I have. Several times over the last few years.

Nothing. Not a single reply. Not even a rejection.

Student ambassador shifts come and go. Clearing doesn’t start for another month. I can’t afford to be still, but I don’t know how I get through the next few weeks.

My head wants to frame this as a crisis. That’s not helpful. So here’s the positive:

I’m absolutely screwed.

Stuck feels like the right word. But we’re never really stuck. Things get messy, but they move. Eventually.

Don’t ask where this optimism has come from. It’s not like me. Even after three years of therapy, I still feel like running around with my arms in the air half the time.

That’s the problem with being bipolar, at uni with existing debt, and obsessed with arts and culture. It was always going to be messy.

Which makes it even stranger that I’ve just spent £40 signing up for a marathon next year.

I chose Samaritans. That part made sense. The rest of it, I’m still figuring out. Maybe it’s about forcing something to move when everything else isn’t.

I know I can’t change the world. But I can do something with the attention. Even if it’s small.

On Saturday, I sat in Greenwich Park and felt everything at once, and nothing at all.

That’s what being bipolar feels like. Not here, not there, but still expected to carry on as if you are.

I’m meant to see my brother in May. I don’t know how I’m going to make that work.

I haven’t seen him for years. I cancelled last time. I don’t want to do that again.

My grandad used to say, “That’ll sort itself out.” He wasn’t wrong. But it won’t happen if I sit still.