This film takes all of the best ingredients that came together when Laika made Coraline, throws away all of the whimsy, wonder and plot points, and drags you through a runtime where the thing is thrown at you straight away and everything just feels a bit lacklustre.

Completely uninspired, lacking any real scares or threat despite a couple of moments of gore, and full of terrible CGI, the film is lifeless, full of ridiculous horror tropes that it doesn’t utilise beyond simply executing them. And despite not being based on Coraline, and having its own book called, are you ready for it, Other Mommy, it bears a startling resemblance to a film which is much, much better.

I cannot stop drawing comparisons with Coraline. This film could have been brilliant. I’m trying really hard not to write a convoluted carry-on about conflating criticism curated on the Coraline similarities. But it is not, and that’s really all there is to this film.

I think, because I gave up, Bella (the little girl) has an entity attached to her because her parents have been lying to ‘their’ daughter for some time and she senses this. Other Mommy promises to make Bella’s (the daughter. It is nearly 2 AM, I can’t even keep up with myself, so I hope you’re doing better than I am.) life all shiny and bright. To do so, the entity needs to get into Bella’s heart, and that’s about it…

At one point, I thought Grandma might have been part of a coven, but then the film goes all Insidious Elise-style on the audience, but nowhere near as well (and I can’t stand Insidious!) and then things get a bit stupid until the truth comes out, Bella tells the entity where to go, and lo and behold, it goes.

“What if I did something special for you, something that will make everyone happy again?”

Button eyes, perhaps?

It is frustratingly close to Coraline! And I hate that. I think a live-action remake of Coraline would really work, particularly as that’s where this film thri…

Is this review just a poll to get a live-action Coraline remake off the ground?

I’m honestly not really sure what else I can tell you. The thing was flat, boring, and in the end my notes (yes, I was that bored I was actively tearing the film apart in my Notes app) just became a running commentary on how ridiculous things got. Take the table of weapons, because that’s not something that has ever failed in a horror film before, is it?

Do horror films exist in horror film universes? Or are they just really bad comedies? I genuinely think that the Scary Movie franchise would have helped them survive.

There’s some nonsense with a never-ending ball pit, then suddenly we’re in the ocean, then Other Mommy takes Bella back, only for her to end up in a car full of balls. I cannot relay how utterly stupid this film is.

There’s absolutely no reason to give a damn about anybody. There’s no risk, nothing to lose, and nobody seems capable of showing an emotion. The parents have been lying to ‘their’ daughter, Mum’s a dick who shouldn’t have had a child, and Dad isn’t even Dad. At one point, I thought Grandma might have been part of a coven, but nope. That would be interesting.

The film starts full of energy, but gives up the gag before it’s even half an hour in. Once we’ve seen the Other Mommy, there’s no suspense or tension because we know what the thing is. It really was dead before it even started.

By the time the truth comes out, Bella tells the entity where to go, and lo and behold, it goes.

At one point, with eighteen minutes still remaining, I genuinely couldn’t understand what the film could possibly have left to do.

As it turns out, not much.